Dead Man's Chest
Jul. 8th, 2006 12:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kiralamouseYes, it's been forever since I've updated. But I want to give my review of this movie I saw last night: Pirates Hamsters of the Caribbean.
No, seriously. Let me say at the outset that I have a habit of providing amusing, insightful commentary throughout movies, especially movies that involve straightfaced absurdity. Last night, I decided to see if I could make it through an entire movie without providing said commentary. I'm proud to say that aside from a few eloquent gestures (no, not that kind), I managed. Silent. Which means that all the amusing commentary is positively beating down the doors of my brain in no particular or coherent order. Don't worry, it'll be spoiler-free... at least, free of any spoilers worth mentioning. By my standards. So, now:
Hamsters of the Caribbean!
The beginning is a bunch of "yes, thank you, now on to the GOOD part!" exposition in which the events of the movie are incomprehensibly explained with a few mumbled references to the original movie, references invoked as if to say, "See! This really is a Pirates movie! There's Jack mumbling about the rum being gone again! Isn't it funny?" (Perhaps I'm too cynical; other reviews have found this stage amusing. Also I'm a little bitter that they didn't bring in Bootstrap Bill Turner by the means I've been confidently predicting for three years.) The entire movie is pretty incomprehensible from a brain perspective anyway, so I give them points for giving fair warning with the intro. As an emotional and visual roller coaster, the ride's pretty dang good.
Anyway. Hamsters. Having climbed the requisite dull click-click-click-click first slope of the coaster (ooh! overextended metaphor!), the first ride on the cannibal island is pretty cool. It also strained my silence to the limit as I was not able to point out the Giant Hamster Ball of Death. I mean, what else would you call it when a round wicker cage is rolled by the hapless prisoners running inside in a desperate attempt to escape? (The "of Death" comes in with the cannibals trying to inhibit the escape attempt.) My sister made comment about the "giant hamster wheel," but too soon! for later in the flick will come the giant millwheel in which a spectacularly pointless 3-way duel will be held, complete with Captain JackHamster Sparrow running along inside. Hamsters, hamsters everywhere! I await the filming of the Hamster Parody with great interest. Actually, forget that: anyone want to help me? Once you've seen the movie yourself, that is, if you haven't already.
While we're at it, we can also highlight the ways in which this filmripped off paid homage to so many other films, including Phantom of the Opera (why do the moody villains always play pipe organ?), Empire Strikes Back (Dad was so struck by the relationship parallels that he is now eagerly awaiting the announcement that Will and Elizabeth are, in fact, twins separated at birth), and, well...
Well, I loved it. I loved it that when Jack has to offer payment to his voodoo-seer ex-girlfriend, he swings up a cage, shoots the contents in the same grinning movement, and says, "Look! An undead monkey" with "Isn't it lovely? Get the bugger off my hands" so obviously and nonverbally included in the statement. I loved how the dimwitted pirate duo of the first movie (called Pintel and Ragetti, though I have never caught their names in either movie) reappear with shiny new philosophical and theological insight, somehow pulling off the idiot sages to perfection. (The best line from them would be a spoiler, but explaining the etymological history of "kraken" in an attempt to figure out the right pronunciation ["Well, in the original Swedish it'd be 'krahken'-" "We don't speak Swedish, and it's 'cracken'!"] is a close second.)(And if you're wondering what the best line is, having seen it, it's the part where the one-eyed guy explains the causes of the three-way duel.)
This movie totally depends on the next movie. Not just because it has a cheap, not-ending-so-much-as-waiting-for-the-next-flick "ending" (why? Why? With a year to wait, why? Something I never thought I'd say: go learn a lesson or two from the Matrix sequels), but basically... well, it was incomprehensible. After your brain shuts down whimpering at the total implausibility of half the explanations. You can get away with problems in internal logic for a while, even big problems, but there has to be an emotional payoff that is believable by the time it comes. This movie clearly deferred payment till the next one. If the third movie is good, it'll redeem this movie; if it's bad, the sequels both fall apart. We'll have to wait and see.
This has been a totally nebulous and weird review put together by the inner commentator with spoiler-edit on. Hope you've enjoyed. :)
No, seriously. Let me say at the outset that I have a habit of providing amusing, insightful commentary throughout movies, especially movies that involve straightfaced absurdity. Last night, I decided to see if I could make it through an entire movie without providing said commentary. I'm proud to say that aside from a few eloquent gestures (no, not that kind), I managed. Silent. Which means that all the amusing commentary is positively beating down the doors of my brain in no particular or coherent order. Don't worry, it'll be spoiler-free... at least, free of any spoilers worth mentioning. By my standards. So, now:
Hamsters of the Caribbean!
The beginning is a bunch of "yes, thank you, now on to the GOOD part!" exposition in which the events of the movie are incomprehensibly explained with a few mumbled references to the original movie, references invoked as if to say, "See! This really is a Pirates movie! There's Jack mumbling about the rum being gone again! Isn't it funny?" (Perhaps I'm too cynical; other reviews have found this stage amusing. Also I'm a little bitter that they didn't bring in Bootstrap Bill Turner by the means I've been confidently predicting for three years.) The entire movie is pretty incomprehensible from a brain perspective anyway, so I give them points for giving fair warning with the intro. As an emotional and visual roller coaster, the ride's pretty dang good.
Anyway. Hamsters. Having climbed the requisite dull click-click-click-click first slope of the coaster (ooh! overextended metaphor!), the first ride on the cannibal island is pretty cool. It also strained my silence to the limit as I was not able to point out the Giant Hamster Ball of Death. I mean, what else would you call it when a round wicker cage is rolled by the hapless prisoners running inside in a desperate attempt to escape? (The "of Death" comes in with the cannibals trying to inhibit the escape attempt.) My sister made comment about the "giant hamster wheel," but too soon! for later in the flick will come the giant millwheel in which a spectacularly pointless 3-way duel will be held, complete with Captain Jack
While we're at it, we can also highlight the ways in which this film
Well, I loved it. I loved it that when Jack has to offer payment to his voodoo-seer ex-girlfriend, he swings up a cage, shoots the contents in the same grinning movement, and says, "Look! An undead monkey" with "Isn't it lovely? Get the bugger off my hands" so obviously and nonverbally included in the statement. I loved how the dimwitted pirate duo of the first movie (called Pintel and Ragetti, though I have never caught their names in either movie) reappear with shiny new philosophical and theological insight, somehow pulling off the idiot sages to perfection. (The best line from them would be a spoiler, but explaining the etymological history of "kraken" in an attempt to figure out the right pronunciation ["Well, in the original Swedish it'd be 'krahken'-" "We don't speak Swedish, and it's 'cracken'!"] is a close second.)(And if you're wondering what the best line is, having seen it, it's the part where the one-eyed guy explains the causes of the three-way duel.)
This movie totally depends on the next movie. Not just because it has a cheap, not-ending-so-much-as-waiting-for-the-next-flick "ending" (why? Why? With a year to wait, why? Something I never thought I'd say: go learn a lesson or two from the Matrix sequels), but basically... well, it was incomprehensible. After your brain shuts down whimpering at the total implausibility of half the explanations. You can get away with problems in internal logic for a while, even big problems, but there has to be an emotional payoff that is believable by the time it comes. This movie clearly deferred payment till the next one. If the third movie is good, it'll redeem this movie; if it's bad, the sequels both fall apart. We'll have to wait and see.
This has been a totally nebulous and weird review put together by the inner commentator with spoiler-edit on. Hope you've enjoyed. :)
